Peter 1: Peter Meets a Girl Online

Leader’s Guide

LESSON 13

PART 1: QUICK REVIEW OF ALL NINE ICONz®

There are 9 different ICONz®, which are keys that unlock proven ways to help you get along with other people and help you deal with situations in your life. When I go over these keys — or ICONz — I want you to tell me if anything happened since we were last together where you used an ICONz or if anything happened where you could have used an  ICONz but didn’t.

Here are the ICONz.  (BRIEFLY REVIEW THE 9 DIFFERENT ICONz. ASK THE LEARNERS FOR RESPONSES AFTER EACH AND FEEDBACK FROM LAST SESSION. ASK THE LEARNERS TO GIVE EXAMPLES OF HOW THEY HAVE USED THE ICONz OR SAW OTHERS WHO COULD HAVE USED THEM.)

PART 2: INTRODUCTION TO THE CHARACTER AND THE SITUATION

Today we’re going to talk about Peter Moore. I will tell you about Peter and a recent situation where he met a girl in an online chatroom.

PETER MOORE

Peter is 30 years old and divorced. He has two children, Sammy who is 3 and Julie who is 5. His wife has custody of the kids but he gets them most weekends and some holidays and occasionally during the week. He’s not as close to his kids as he wants to be because he has a hard time connecting to people and has very rigid ideas about how things should be done. Mostly he thinks that things need to be done his way. This has helped in business, but not in the rest of his life, like in the relationship with his ex-wife and his kids.

Peter is part owner of an auto repair shop. His business partner is an old friend from high school named Doug. He and Doug worked as mechanics at the Ford dealership while they were going to Jr. College and the dealership sent them through auto mechanic school, so they’ve had a lot of training in repairing cars. About 5 years ago, Peter got some money when his grandmother died so they decided to start their own repair shop with an attached car wash and the business has been growing steadily.

Because Peter is such a detail-person and so inflexible about how he likes things done, he is great at diagnosing what’s wrong with a car and fixing it and really good at keeping track of the auto parts inventory, but he isn’t good at math so leaves all the money management side of the business to his partner, Doug.  Doug is also better at dealing with customers.  He has a better sense of what keeps them happy and bringing in repeat business. Some of their customers have been coming regularly for years now even though they could go to cheaper chains like Jiffy Lube.

Peter really doesn’t like the idea of going to a therapist, but his family urged him to get some counseling after his divorce.

SITUATION: Peter Meets a Girl Online

Peter talking to his counselor:

<Note to Leader: Remember to generalize two or more ICONz® in a RECAP section.>

I guess you know I’ve been pretty down since the divorce and I haven’t really wanted to meet anyone new. Plus, I’m so busy at the shop I just haven’t had time to think about it much and, since our business is growing, a lot of times I have to work late to make sure everything gets done. Then on the weekends I try to spend as much time as I can with my kids (Get the Big Picture, Flex Your Mind, Talk to Your People).

But my sister keeps trying to set me up on blind dates and all my friends think it’s time I got back into the singles dating thing again. In fact, some of my buddies think I’m crazy for not going out with every girl I find.

<RECAP>

I just don’t want to go through the whole getting to know someone thing again and maybe start liking a girl and then have her turn out like my ex-wife. I don’t want to get “trapped” in a relationship again that doesn’t go the way I expect it to – especially with the kids.  I want to be very careful that any girl I meet will get along with my kids. And I don’t think I could bear it if I got really attached to a girl and then it didn’t work out. So I’ve been dragging my feet about this whole thing (Get the Big Picture, Find the Middle Ground, Take Another Look, Flex Your Mind, Talk to Your People).

But my business partner Doug tells me to just take it slow and maybe sign up for some of the internet dating sites and just hang in the background for a while and see if there’s anyone on there I might be interested in. Or maybe go on eHarmony where you take a personality test and they match you with girls who have a lot of the same interests. But you have to pay to be a member on sites like Match.com or eHarmony, so I decided I’d start out in a free chat room for singles in this area and see what happened (Flex Your Mind, Take Another Look, Talk to Your People).

I’ve been kind of hanging out in this chatroom for a few weeks and kept noticing a girl on there whose user name was “Kelwash.” It’s a weird user name, but every time she said something in the chat she was kind and cheerful and sounded really innocent and even a little naive. She said she works with kids and a lot of times talks about how much she loves kids. This made me kind of lonesome for my own kids. I really love them, but I just have never been really good with kids (Take Your Turn, Get the Big Picture, Flex Your Mind, Change is O.K., Talk to Your People).

<RECAP>

Finally I got up the nerve to have an online conversation with Kelwash and found out she’s 24 years old and a teacher at a preschool and thinks it’s really fun to be able to work and play with the kids all day. She told me she’d been a little nervous about joining the singles’ chatroom, just like I was (Take Your Turn). But she said she thought it might be a good place to meet people and make new friends. She didn’t sound pushy like she was desperate to find a boyfriend. It just seemed like she was looking for new friends. I liked that (Talk to Your People, Take Your Turn, Flex Your Mind, Change is O.K.).

So we wrote back and forth a few times in the chatroom and then started e-mailing (Take Your Turn, Talk to Your People). She sounded really nice and a lot of fun so I thought I’d invite her to a get-together Doug and his wife Sarah are having at their house. I gave her my number and told her to give me a call. We’ll see if she does.

<RECAP>

PART 3: DISCUSSION GUIDE (use the questions below to engage the Learners in discussion.)

ASSESS THE CHARACTERS AND THE SITUATION.

1. What ICONz help you understand Peter?

2. What does he say about himself, and how is he described that gives you a clue?

(He has rigid ideas about how things should be done (Flex Your Mind), he doesn’t get along with ex-wife and kids (Talk to Your People), “I couldn’t bear it if I got attached and didn’t work out.” (Take Another Look, Get the Big Picture).) 

PREDICT THE OUTCOME BASED ON WHAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR.
(Leader elicits possible outcomes from Learners.)

3. What do you think is going to happen? (Leader elicits possible outcomes from Learners.)

4. Do you think that Peter wants to have a new relationship?  How do you think he feels when he talks to the counselor about meeting Kelwash online?

(He’s hesitant to start a new relationship after his bad experience with his recent divorce. He seems carefully optimistic about meeting Kelwash.)

CHOOSE A COURSE OF ACTION FOR A MORE POSITIVE OUTCOME. 
(Leader elicits possible courses of action from Learners.)

5. What could Cody do to make things turn out better for him? (Leader elicits possible courses of action from Learners.)

6. What ICONz can help Peter be willing to try something new and not expect things to turn out like in the past? (Change is O.K., Get the Big Picture, Flex Your Mind)

7. What can he learn from someone who loves kids about how to get along with his own kids better? 

(Be willing to try something new and not expect things to turn out like in the past (Take Another Look, Flex Your Mind, Change is O.K.).  Learn from someone who loves kids about how to get along with his own kids better (Talk to Your People, Flex Your Mind).)

GO OVER THE “QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF.” (Group leader elicits possible outcomes from Learners.)

8. Think of a time when you were unsure of what to do next.

9. Was there a time when you wanted to change and your friends were encouraging you to do something different, but it was hard to do that?

10. What did you do?

11. What ICONz would have helped you?

GO OVER THE HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT

“HERE IS YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. REMEMBER TO COMPLETE IT BY OUR NEXT SESSION.”

12. Imagine that you had a bad experience with a boss, a teacher, or a neighbor. What could you learn by usingTake Another Look and Change is OK to make it better?

13. Share a personal story if you have one where you used Take Another Look and Change is O.K.

AT THE END OF THIS LESSON, ASK YOUR LEARNER TO CLICK ON THE “COMPLETE LESSON” BUTTON TO ENSURE THEIR PROGRESS COMPLETING THE LESSON IS CAPTURED.